


i don't have a choice (but i still choose you)

by quinnking



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Mentions of miscarriage, mentions of melinda's husband
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-09 02:18:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1965201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quinnking/pseuds/quinnking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skye finds out Melinda was married and Coulson tells her a story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i don't have a choice (but i still choose you)

**Author's Note:**

> listen to poison & wine by the civil wars.

 

_i don't love you but i always will_

**_I_ **

"Hold up, May was married?" 

Coulson winces as he leans against the wall and watches Skye look at her laptop in amazement. "What?" He's almost afraid to ask and it's pretty obvious since the word comes out strained, much like a squeak. 

"I wanted to see how Ward passed the detector test and so I hacked the video footage and May said she was married. Once." 

He sighs and goes to sit down across from her at his desk. "She was married once." 

"Did you know him? Was he cool? Did they get divorced? Did he die?" 

The thumping in his head gets more severe each question she asks and he gives her a look that shuts her up immediately. "No, Skye." She looks at him expectantly and he huffs out a breath of frustration. "I'm going to tell you a story." 

Skye perks up. "About May?"  _Of course. She can't wait to get into her head._

"Yes. About May. And about me, too." 

_**II** _

They were paired up to spar. He almost laughed because he was literally paired against  _her,_ this tiny Asian girl that looked as fragile as glass. They circled each other and she was wearing a small smirk, as if she knew that he was underestimating her. 

Which is exactly what she knew. Within seconds he was pinned beneath her and he felt firm muscle of her thighs on either side of his hips, one arm across his throat and the other holding his hands above his head. 

He wrestled against her, testing her. She was stronger than he thought, so he bucked up and knocked her off balance enough that he could flip her onto her stomach and perch himself on her lower back, holding her wrists behind her. 

She turned her head and looked up to him, eyes wide and his grip slackened enough that before he knew it he was back on the mat with her on top of him. 

With that damned smirk still etched on her face. She got off him and offered him her hand to shake once he got up from the floor.

"I'm Melinda May," she said confidently.

"Phil Coulson," he wheezed out. 

"You were a worthy competitor." 

"So were you." 

She laughed, and so did he. 

* * *

 

They were all hanging out at a bar near the Academy, and it was somewhere in their second year. Melinda and Phil had become fast friends after that first match on their first day and they had been practically inseparable. 

He didn't expect to wake up after a night of drinking with drawings all over his face. Admittedly good drawings, but childish and adorable ones nevertheless. He couldn't get them off for a few days either, so he walked around with doodles etching his skin. 

The laugh she gave was exuberant and her eyes lit up like stars in the dark sky. He couldn't help the grin that found its way onto his lips, nor could he deny the fluttering of his heart at the sound of her laugh.

He became her friend when she pinned him to the floor. He fell in love with her when she pranked him. 

* * *

 

It was all so cheesy, like a bad rom-com. And the worst part was he wasn't sure how she felt about him until a year later when they were once again at a bar, but neither of them were very drunk. They had a beer each, so nothing can really excuse them half naked in his dorm room, kissing like two teenagers.

She had him pinned between her body and the wall, her fingers laced themselves in his hair.

Melinda tasted like honey ( _sweet_ , so very sweet and delicious and addicting) and smelled like strawberries. And she was a good kisser, such a good kisser and his mind wanders, wondering how good she is in bed and it doesn't help that she was grinding against him. 

"Phil," she whispered, "I want you."

He swallowed. "I want you, too." 

They fucked (they didn't make love, Phil's mind rationed, because he loves her but she doesn't -  _can't_ \- love him) well into the morning. When he woke up she was still there, curled against him and looking every bit as beautiful as the night before. 

He just took time to stare, to take in the small crease between her eyebrows and the gentle curve of her neck. Radiant was the only word that came to mind, the only word that seemed to describe Melinda May in that moment, as the sun dawned down on her through the window. 

"I love you." He knew she was asleep and didn't care about the fact.

* * *

 She withdrew from him after that night. When he woke up after falling asleep once again she wasn't there. There was no note, no nothing. Just the cold sheets beside him where her body had been laying. 

He confronted her and they had been arguing back and forth for a good half hour. 

"We weren't drunk Mel, so I don't understand this hostility. It was a conscious decision  _we both_ made." 

"It was a  _mistake,_ Phil!" she screamed back at him.

Ouch. "Why?" 

"It was just a mistake." Her voice had lowered significantly and she looked so sad. He desperately wanted to wrap his arms around her and cradle her head to his chest, whisper sweet nothing's into her ear and make her forget about everything. 

" _Why_?" His voice, on the other hand, rose. "Why won't you tell me why it was a mistake? You said you wanted me, I saw it in your eyes, Melinda." He was yelling at her by this point, out of frustration of her actions and his mind. 

"I-" She looked away from him, down at her hands. 

He took a step toward her. "What, Melinda?" He tried to make his voice softer but when she didn't respond he snapped, "why!?" 

"Because I'm in love with you!" she snapped back at him and they were so close now that he could smell honey. "And I heard what you said when you thought I was asleep, Phil. In this place love just isn't an _option_." 

"So you withdrew because it was becoming -"

"- a problem. Yes." 

He rubbed at his temples and she was looking up at him, eyes wide. His heart and mind warred and when he cupped her face and brought her lips to his he decided that his heart won. He kissed her until they were both gasping for breath, until her fingers were tightly gripping his shirt.

* * *

 

They got married five days after they graduated from the Academy. It was at a city hall, because neither of them really wanted a religious ceremony and they wanted it to be as secret as possible. Melinda didn't even invite her mother. 

She wore the simplest of white dresses, but he thought she never looked more beautiful. She graced him with a smile that lit up the room like the sun on a cloudy day and he decided then and there that this was the right decision because he wanted to see her smile like that for the rest of their lives. Especially at him.

It was over and done with and she kissed him, tasting like honey and threading her fingers through his hair. "I love you," she whispered against his mouth. 

"I love you too, Melinda," he responded and she gave him another glowing smile that made his heart swell.

He wondered then if his heart will always speed up when she smiles at him. He sure hoped so. 

* * *

 

Bahrain happened a couple of years after that. He was panicking (he couldn't lose her, he couldn't bear to lose the one thing he couldn't live without) and he balled his hands into fist so tight that his nails broke skin. 

She finally appeared, captives in tow. She was bloody and limping and she was different. He could tell just from looking at her from the distance that she'd come out of that building (that situation) a changed woman. Gone was the playfulness and gentleness, and it was replaced by no emotion at all. 

They took her to the hospital when she fainted and he was back to panicking, pacing around the waiting room with Director Fury. 

"Phil, you need to calm do-"

"How can I calm down, that's my wi-that's Melinda in there." 

Nick sighed and if he noticed the slip he didn't comment. 

The doctor came out some time later. 

"She has a broken ankle, a few fractured ribs and she's lost a bit of blood. Are either of you relatives?" 

Coulson looked up at Nick before looking adamently at the doctor. "I'm her husband."

Nick didn't even blink at the reveal. 

"Come this way, then." 

Coulson followed the doctor to Melinda's room and they went inside and shut the door. She was hooked to and IV and her normally tan complexion was pale. Cuts peppered her face and he wondered how many were going to scar. 

"What else happened to her?"

The doctor stepped closer. "I'm sorry, sir. It appears that she had a miscarriage."

Everything in his world stopped, moving in slow motion. He felt dizzy, his vision blurred and the doctor rested his hand on Coulson's back to keep him upright. "Did you say she had a miscarriage?" he managed out. 

"Yes. I'm terribly sorry for your loss." And with that, the doctor left the room. 

A miscarriage. 

Coulson's mind wandered. Did Melinda know that she was pregnant? Was she happy? What if she  _didn't_ know and had to wake up to this devastating news? He couldn't handle to put this on her too. 

He didn't realize he was crying until the hand of hers he was holding was wet.

* * *

 

They separated some time after that. They tried to remain together for the sake of everything but he had to put an end to it.

"You're the most important person to me, Melinda. And I think you need me more as a friend than as a husband."

And she accepted it with a nod, her eyes hard. She'd barely showed emotion since Bahrain, even with him. When he told her about the miscarriage he swore he saw tears well up in her eyes, which gave him the impression that she didn't know and that maybe, just maybe, she wanted the child as well.

He tried to be there for her as her friend but she made it difficult. She transferred to administration a couple of years later, just when Coulson got promoted. They barely saw each other and that's when he fell in love with Audrey. 

They barely saw each other from then on. 

* * *

 

Nick told him about his new team and Coulson gaped.

"You want me to bring Melinda onto this team as the  _pilot_?" It was absurd. 

"Yes, Coulson," Nick said bleakly. "You two were a good team."

Coulson said nothing.

"And I'm still mildly offended I wasn't invited to the wedding. I do hope you two will co-operate with protocol this time around."

_**III** _

"I don't even know if she went to the funeral service that was given for me." He takes a shaky breath. "I know it was revealed to her later on that I was in fact alive, but..." 

Skye's face is blotchy and red. "Do you still love her?"

"Always will." 

She fidgets. "I feel really shitty about how I treated her. She's not emotionless, I know that. She's not a robot. But... she's just so... zen. I guess with a past like that you need to channel all your feelings, huh?" 

Coulson shrugs. "I think she's opening up more and more. Especially with you, Skye."

"What?" Skye looks at him in surprise. "Why?" 

"She's always been maternal, Skye. She wants to protect you. And Jemma, and Fitz, and Trip. I think she sees herself in you." 

Skye beams at that. "Really?" 

"Really." 

They sat in silence for a few moments. 

"What about now?"

Coulson tilts his head to the side questioningly. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, everyone can see you and May have serious chemistry. Unresolved tension, whatever shit you want to call it. Are you two like..." 

"We're still married. We never got divorced." 

Skye's mouth makes an O. "Do you think you two could ever be that way again?"

Coulson thinks back to when she told him she cared a lot about him after he thought she was HYDRA. "Yes. I do." 

"Cool," Skye says, almost excitedly. As if she was plotting. 

Shit. He really shouldn't of told her this story. 


End file.
